Pugnacious Transmogrification
by DrWackaDoodle
Summary: In response to a challenge from C107galaxytachyon prompt; After a huge fight, Sheldon and Amy have to walk a mile in each other's shoes. **** On Hiatus. I am hopelessly stuck on the next chapter****
1. Chapter 1

In response to a challenge from C107galaxytachyon prompt; After a huge fight, Sheldon and Amy have to walk a mile in each other's shoes.

Disclaimer: Wish they were mine but until I win the lotto, they belong to Chuck Lorre, Warner Bros. Et. All.

* * *

Amy's in a mood, Sheldon realizes as she slams the car door as soon as they park at their apartment building and leaves him to haul the shopping bags up 4 flights of stairs by himself. As she's not due to have her menses for another 10 days, Sheldon is unsure what set her off. She did become awfully quiet when he asked if she wanted to play World of Warcraft with them tonight. She knows he needs his schedules and routines! Just because they are married does not mean he's going to dive head first into chaos.

Truth be told, Angry Amy scares the bejesus out of him. He can handle silly Amy, sad Amy, and he's even come to love horny Amy (and spontaneous coitus!) but Angry Amy... especially if he is the object of her wrath, leaves him quaking in fear and close to wetting his pants.

Sighing, he puts the groceries away and pulls down plates so he can set the table for dinner. Amy wanted taco salad tonight. Since it is Friday, Sheldon insisted he was having pizza. Is that what set her off? Opening the pack of hamburger, he crumbles it in the frying pan and turns the heat on the stove to medium before going to check on Amy.

Knocking on the bedroom door, he calls out to his wife as he gently pushes it open. She's not in here and the bathroom is dark. Huh, she must be at Penny's, Sheldon decides as he returns to cooking dinner. As he chops up onion and tomato, he decides that tacos do sound good so he sticks his pizza in the fridge as the door opens and Amy comes in, flopping on the couch without a word.

"Are you alright?" Sheldon wonders from the kitchen island.

"Yup, " she answers as she flips on the tv.

Knowing better than to push her, Sheldon goes back to cooking dinner and soon has two plates ready. Surprising him, Amy takes her plate to the couch, leaving him sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop. Sheldon takes another sip of his Mountain Dew with one hand as he presses random keys with the other and yells into his headset, "cease your incessant chatter at once!"

"Jeez, sorry, Mr. Cranky Pants," Raj apologizes, "I was just wondering why Amy isn't playing with us?"

"My wife has zero interest in any of my hobbies; trains, comic books, video games or science fiction," Sheldon gripes as he uses his plus 2 longsword to chop the head off a goblin. "I tried, but she'd rather watch Antiques Roadshow than spend quality time with me."

"I said I'd love to spend quality time with you in the real world, not staring at a computerized avatar of you all night," Amy yells from the couch.

"Sheldor, afk," Sheldon quickly speaks into the headset before taking it off and placing it on the table. Walking over to where Amy is reclining on the couch, he pauses the broadcast with the tv remote before sitting on the coffee table in front of Amy.

"You said you enjoyed playing Dungeons and Dragons with us," Sheldon reminds her. "You also enjoy when we continue roleplaying Sheldor and Amelia in bed."

"That's different! That's quality time with you! When's the last time we did something I want to do, Sheldon?"

"I went to the craft store with you yesterday," he reminds her.

"Where you proceeded to complain the entire time! The smell of the scented pinecones was overwhelming, I will give you that, but it was a horrible trip for me! You said that the fabric I picked out for a new dress was an assault on your eyes! You humiliated me by saying that as loudly as possible and let's not get started on your abysmal insults to the manager who questioned why a strange man was rearranging their books!"

"They were just thrown on the shelf willy-nilly with no regards to the subject matter or the Dewey decimal system!" Sheldon argues.

"My point is I am always making allowances for you, your wants, your desires..." Amy points out.

"Name one," Sheldon challenges which gets a raised eyebrow from his wife in return.

"Last date night. I wanted to try the new teppanyaki restaurant near Caltech. You wanted a hamburger. Where did we have dinner?" Amy questions.

"McDonald's," Sheldon mutters.

"You wanted to watch the new Pokemon movie. I wanted to go to The Nutcracker. Which movie did we see?" Amy again questions.

"Pokemon," Sheldon mutters.

"When we got home, I attempted to engage you in coitus by coming to bed completely naked under my robe. How did you respond?" Amy whispers. His response still hurts her if she dwells on it too much.

"I said that you are more than capable of giving yourself an orgasm, which is true. Just because we're married doesn't mean that I control when, where or how you orgasm."

"Maybe I wanted my husband to want to bring me to orgasm by touching me," Amy points out.

"Fine, I'm a terrible husband!" Sheldon yells as he tugs on her hand in an attempt to lead her to their bedroom.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to give you an orgasm so you are satisfied and I can go back to my game, " he explains as if it's the most obvious solution to end their fight.

"You're unbelievable!" Amy yells at him. "I am not having sex with you right now!"

"What do you want from me?!" Sheldon yells in frustration.

"Oh, I don't know, a husband who gives a damn about how I feel, my wants, my interests, my desires...my needs? It's always about you, Sheldon!"

"You knew what you signed up for, " he points out.

"I did not sign up to be your maid, chauffeur, nurse, ... slave woman! If that's all I am to you, this relationship is over!"

With that she goes to their bedroom, slamming and locking the bedroom door. Now he definitely knows where he went wrong. No amount of pleading for forgiveness is going to fix this. No, he's going to have to pull out the big guns. He grabs Amy's car keys from the kitchen island, pats his pocket to confirm he has his wallet and cell phone and slams the door on his way out.

Swallowing her scream of frustration the front door slams shut, Amy tosses her rings into the small crystal dish on top of their dresser and decides a long hot bath will help her calm down. They haven't had a fight in quite awhile and this one was particularly bad. She's going to enjoy watching Sheldon on his knees, pleading for forgiveness. She wants to let him squirm for a bit before ultimately forgiving him.

She's just turning on the taps for the tub when she hears someone knocking on the door. Quickly turning off the water, she looks through the peephole, half expecting Sheldon. Sighing, she opens the door for Penny and Bernadette who have a bottle of wine and bag of Christmas candy in tow.

"Are you alright?" Penny asks.

"Yeah. That's definitely not how I wanted that particular conversation to go, however. I'm just so... frustrated with him. Now that we're married, it's like he doesn't even try anymore."

"I get that. You two were so in sync right after the wedding. It's hard to admit the honeymoon phase is over, " Bernie consoles.

"Did you really mean what you said about ending the relationship?" Penny wonders.

"No, " Amy admits. "How'd you know I said that? I didn't think we were that loud."

"Sheldon had a hot mic. We heard everything, " Bernie explains.

 _This fight was bad. Amy feeling unwanted and undesired is exactly what started our last breakup. She wouldn't divorce me, right?_ Sheldon worries as he drives towards Glendale Galleria.

Replaying the fight in his mind, Sheldon doesn't notice the light has changed to red and speeds through it. The semi which had the green light to turn blares on its horn but is unfortunately unable to stop in time and slams into Sheldon's door. The force of the impact causes Sheldon's car to spin and its hit again at the back tire, lifting the car in the air before it flips onto the roof.

As the scraping of metal and sounds of breaking glass cease, Sheldon lays unconscious in the front seat.


	2. Chapter 2

Amy doesn't like that Sheldon isn't home for laundry night. Telling herself he's pouting and that nagging feeling in her gut is completely wrong, she pours herself another glass of wine and swipes a Kit Kat out of Bernie's growing monopoly on them.

When 10:30 comes and Sheldon still isn't home, Amy finally gives in and tries his cell phone. It rings 5 times before going to voicemail. Hanging up after the beep without leaving a message (because it annoys Sheldon to no end), Amy cleans up the pile of candy wrappers and decides to polish off the last of the wine.

There are bursts of blinding white light but thankfully that annoying sound of metal scraping against the road has stopped. Is he dead, Sheldon wonders as the light fades. Taken so young! Think of all he never accomplished, getting the Nobel, beating Howard and Raj at Team Halo night, having a baby with Amy... _Amy._

Sheldon finds himself standing outside the Dagobah Diner and a sign in the window advertises, "home of the world famous roast beef sandwich!" Having been warned last time to never eat the roast beef, Sheldon shudders as he enters and sits at a table with Arthur Jeffries.

"Back so soon?" Arthur questions as a wookiee brings them water.

"Am I dead?" Sheldon wonders. "Was my mother right and heaven is real?"

"No, no, you're quite alive and if... if this is heaven, I want a refund on every penny I put into the offering at church, " Arthur jokes. "You had another fight with Amy?"

"I did, " Sheldon confirms. "She knows I love her. Why can't that be enough? Why is she always pushing for more?"

"Is she though, Sheldon? It looks to me like all she's asking for is some of your time and affection, " Arthur points out.

"I give her plenty, " Sheldon scoffs.

"Obviously you don't. Why are you being so stubborn about this, Sheldon? What are you afraid of?"

"Sheldon Cooper is not afraid of anything, least of all his wife!" Sheldon protests.

"Then I can't help you, " Arthur decides as he stands to leave.

Reaching out as Arthur walks by, Sheldon grabs a handful of the brown robe and softly pleads, "help me. I can't lose her again."

"Let me make a call, " Arthur requests as he pats Sheldon's hand upon the table and walks outside.

"Sheldon, where are you? It's 11:30 and I'm getting worried. Please let me know you're okay?" Amy pleads with his voicemail before hanging up and setting her phone on the coffee table.

She's decided if she doesn't hear from him by midnight, she's calling the police. They'll likely tell her she's crazy and he's just blowing off steam, but this is so unlike him. Quickly wondering if he'd answer for Leonard, Amy opens her door to see light coming from beneath the door of Apartment 4 A. Good, they're awake. Waiting just a few seconds for Leonard to answer, Amy requests, "can you try calling him?"

"Sure, " Leonard agrees with a sympathetic smile as he grabs his cell phone.

"Master Yoda!" Sheldon exclaims as the small green Jedi follows Arthur Jeffries to the table where Sheldon sits.

"Mmm, you need our help, Arthur tells, " Yoda replies as he smiles at Sheldon.

"Yes. But first, a question. In the deleted scenes for..." Sheldon begins.

Reaching over with his cane, Yoda whaps Sheldon's knuckles and as Sheldon yelps, Arthur chuckles and decides, "I need to get... get me one of those."

Sheldon didn't answer the phone for any of the guys or Penny. Now a mixture of angry and panicked, Amy tries one last time to reach him.

"Sheldon, I know this fight was bad and I know you're probably somewhere licking your wounds and are totally fine, but it's 1 am and I'm worried. Please, just let me know you're safe? You don't have to come home. Just a quick text, " I'm okay" is all I need. I'm calling the cops in 10 minutes if I don't hear from you."

"Answer me this, Sheldon. Do you love Amy?" Arthur wonders as he digs into a piece of blueberry pie a la mode.

"Of course I do!" Sheldon exclaims, insulted that Arthur would even ask that question.

"Does her happiness matter to you?" Arthur wonders.

"Yes!" Sheldon replies.

"Then why are you treating her as if she means nothing to you?" Arthur wonders.

"I... I am afraid of losing myself if I give into the chaos of not keeping my schedules and routines, " Sheldon admits. "I had no idea Amy was so unhappy. I don't want to lose her. Master Yoda, what do I do?"

"A mile in Amy's shoes you must walk before you can truly understand, " Yoda cryptically hints.

LAPD arrives a short time after Amy calls dispatch and as Amy provides information to the officer, he steps away to listen to his radio for just a moment.

"Doctor Fowler, your vehicle was involved in a rollover car accident earlier this evening. We believe your husband was the driver, " Sargent Williams relays as Amy gasps.

"Is he... is he alright?" Amy questions as she looks for her purse.

"He was unconscious when paramedics arrive. I'm afraid I don't have any other information on his condition. Sheldon was transported to Pasadena Memorial Hospital. If you'd like, I can give you a ride?"

"That's alright. My friends can take me. Can I get the information on where my car is please?"

"Of course, but I'm pretty sure it's a total loss. It was hit by a semi-truck."

"Oh my God, " Amy gasps.

She quickly grabs her purse and keys and pounds open fist on the door of Apartment 4 A. Hearing Penny grumbling about being awakened and the idle threat, "somebody better be dead!" Penny swings open the door and immediately wraps a crying Amy in her arms.

"What happened? Is he alright?" Leonard questions as he comes to the door in a pair of Sponge Bob sleep pants.

She relays what Sargent Williams told her and sits in Sheldon's spot as Penny and Leonard rush to dress. They're ready to go in record time and run down he stairs and to Penny's car. Penny decides she's driving as Leonard takes a puff of his inhaler and sits in the back seat next to Amy. He reaches over and squeezes her hand reassuringly getting a strange look from Amy in response.

"He'll be alright, " Leonard tries to reassure Amy and himself.

"Yeah, he doesn't believe in God so he won't go to heaven and hell won't want him because the devil knows Sheldon will take over. Looks like we're stuck with him, " Penny jokes, trying to break the tension.

"Not funny, bestie, " Amy reprimands, her smile giving her away.

Penny drops Amy and Leonard at the doors to the emergency room before going to try to find a parking spot. Approaching the desk Amy explains that she's looking for Sheldon and is told to take a seat. Her leg is bouncing as she waits and is very quickly lead back to Sheldon's room. Looking back at Leonard, he decides to wait for Penny in the waiting room.

Sheldon looks so peaceful as he sleeps in the hospital bed, covered by a white blanket. Amy enters his room and goes to his side to more fully examine his injuries. His left arm is in a blue sling against his heavily bruised chest from where his seatbelt dug into his skin. That seems to be the most serious injury, Amy breathes a sigh of relief. He has a nasty cut on his forehead which has been stitched and bandaged and several scratches on his face and arms as well but those will heal.

"Have they done a ct scan and X-rays?" Amy asks the nurse who is checking Sheldon's vitals.

"Let me check if those ct scan results are back. The doctor will be in to talk with you once we have all the results but the plan is to admit him, " the nurse replies.

"Has he woken up at all?" Amy wonders.

"No, not yet. Poor guy is going to be in quite a bit of pain with that dislocated shoulder. We have a call out to our orthopedic specialist. Pending the results of the ct scan on his head, Sheldon may be having surgery on his arm in the next 24 hours, " the nurse advises. "May I get anything for you, Mrs. Cooper?"

"No, thank you, " Amy replies, not correcting the nurse about her correct title.

As the nurse leaves, Amy pulls the hard plastic chair closer to Sheldon's bed and looks for a spot where he isn't injured in which to kiss. Finally deciding her safest option is to kiss two fingers and lay them against Sheldon's lips, she whispers, "soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr. You are not allowed to die, do you hear me? Sleep as long as you need. I'll be here. Just don't die, " she pleads.

Amy sends a quick text to let Leonard know of Sheldon's preliminary injuries and that he will be admired, requesting he and Penny go home to rest. Penny immediately replies that they ate staying until Sheldon is moved to his room and the rest of their friends are on their way. They exchange a few more messages and decide to wait until morning to call Mary. With nothing else to do to pass the time, Amy turns on the tv and looks for something Sheldon might enjoy, something that might wake him up. She soon sees that little green lizard guy Sheldon loves jumping through the air with a lightsaber and settles on Star Wars, placing the remote near Sheldon's ear.

A nurse comes in the room a short time later and chuckles at seeing Star Wars on the tv. "He loves it. I thought he might wake up to it, " Amy explains.

"No, that's good. Talk to him too. Studies have shown that the unconscious mind still processes information, " the nurse replies as the doctor enters the room.

After a rundown of Sheldon's injuries, including a moderate concussion, dislocated shoulder and three broken ribs, he's soon transported to a private room. As they prepare to transfer Sheldon into another hospital bed, he moans, "ow" at the jostling and blinks his blury eyes.

"Amy?" Sheldon calls out.

"I'm here, " she reassures. "Let them move you. Don't try to help."

"Where is here?" Sheldon wonders as he hears a vacuum kick on.

"The hospital, " she replies after he's settled.

Waiting until the nurses have Sheldon settled, Amy stands out of the way and notices Sheldon keeps looking for her as the staff asks him question after question and give him something for pain. They soon leave and Sheldon assesses his injuries, gently touching his forehead and trying to move his injured arm, hissing as he does.

"I remember us fighting but nothing after that. I'm sorry, Amy, " he softly murmurs as he holds out his uninjured hand in invitation.

"I'm sorry too. From what I have been able to piece together, you took my car and were hit by a semi-truck, causing a rollover accident. Hell of a way to win an argument, " she teases as Sheldon softly chuckles and brings her hand to his lips, kissing the top. "Are you in pain?"

"Better now, " he mumbles.

"You can sleep, sweetheart. I'm going to try to get some shut-eye myself, " she reassures as she leans down to peck his lips.

"Can I have water?" He requests.

"You need surgery on your arm and are NPO, nothing to eat or drink right now, " Amy explains as Sheldon groans in displeasure.

"Amy... I love you and I'm sorry."

"I love you too."

Able to go home three days later, Sheldon carefully climbs the stairs and enters apartment 4B, going to the bedroom to prop his arm on pillows. Deciding it would be better for him to take Amy's side so she doesn't accidentally bump his arm in the middle of the night, Sheldon soon settles in and thanks Amy as she makes to leave him to rest.

"Where are you going?" He wonders.

"I'm going to let you rest. I need to check my email and take care of a few things for work, " she explains.

"Can it wait?" He wonders. "I'd like to cuddle and talk. Our fight went unresolved."

"I don't think we can cuddle without causing you discomfort, " she points out as she gets into bed with him.

"You may be right, but I can still kiss you, " he whispers.

Reaching to remove her glasses, Sheldon grasps them with his left hand, using his right to fold each earpiece and sets them on the nightstand. He gently cups Amy's cheek in his hand and slowly guides her lips to his for a slow tender kiss.

Pulling back, Amy checks him for any signs of discomfort. Seeing none, she leans in again, this time opening her mouth and darting out her tongue to tease Sheldon's own.

He's going to quickly tire of being one-handed, Sheldon decides as he fumbles with trying to unbutton Amy's blouse, failing miserably. She rears back in shock and smoothes her blouse as she chastises, "you're in no condition for that."

"You're right, " Sheldon sighs.

"You can barely keep your eyes open. Rest, " Amy demands.

Pecking his lips one more time, Amy gets out of bed and goes to the living room to work. It's been an exhausting few days and she soon finds herself nodding off at the her work, she returns to the bedroom, finding Sheldon sound asleep. Crawling into bed with her husband, Amy falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.

In a galaxy far, far away, Yoda watches as Sheldon and Amy sleep. Turning to Arthur, Yoda declares, "it is time."


	3. Chapter 3

Waking up a few hours later, Sheldon is surprised by how great he feels! He's not experiencing any pain, which is remarkable considering he had his shoulder jammed back into its socket just some 36 hours ago. Chalking it up to the very strong narcotics he was prescribed, Sheldon decides to take advantage of his pain-free state while it lasts by washing away the hospital germs with a nice long hot shower.

His eyes are blurry and he assumes it's a side effect of the narcotic. He'll talk to Amy about leaving the bathroom light on as a night light, he decides as he closes the door so he doesn't wake her. Reaching to his neck to unfasten the velcro strap holding his arm brace in place, he's surprised when it isn't there. He must've removed it in his sleep. Reaching for the hem of his sleep shirt, he doesn't feel it and keeps bunching the shirt in his hands. He's wearing Amy's nightgown! Oh, she will never let him live this one down! He pulls the gown over his head and tosses it in the hamper, deciding he'll bury it towards the bottom. As he bends over, he freezes. He has breasts... full, squishy, most decidedly feminine breasts... and where is his penis?!

"AHH!" He screams, high pitched, feminine... Amy.

 _Alright, it's a drug-addled nightmare,_ Sheldon decides as he splashes some cool water on his face.

Hearing a female scream, Amy scrambles out of bed, wondering why Penny or Bernadette are in her bathroom. Surely, Sheldon wouldn't let them in while she was sleeping? She opens the door and freezes. She's standing at the sink, splashing water on her face.

"What's going on?" Amy questions, then slaps her hand over her mouth. Why is she talking in Sheldon's voice?

"You're... you're me, " Sheldon questions in disbelief as Amy steps into the bathroom. "We've switched bodies."

"Like Freaky Friday?" Amy confirms. "It's just a nightmare."

"How can we both be having the same nightmare, Doctor Fowler?"

"Drug-induced mass hysteria? Food poisoning? I don't know but this isn't possible!" Amy exclaims, panic setting in.

"Yoda!" Sheldon shouts suddenly. "Oh, he's good!"

"What are you talking about? He's a fictional character, Sheldon!"

Leading Amy back to bed, Sheldon explains his dream and Yoda's message, "walk a mike in Amy's shoes you must." She looks at him as if he's lost his mind, which he very well may have. Now understanding why Amy hates that look from him, that look that says, "I'm a smug so and so, " he sighs and asks, "do you have a better explanation?"

"No, " Amy admits. "Your mom will be here later today!" She worries.

"We know each other well enough that I think we can fool most people, but, we cannot fool Mary Cooper. What do we do?" Sheldon wonders?

"The only thing we can do... pretend we have highly contagious illnesses for the duration. Hopefully, it's just some 24-hour... spell."

"Curse is more like it, " Sheldon mutters as Amy gets out of bed. "Where are you going?"

"I need to void my bladder, " Amy explains as she sits on the toilet.

They never leave the bathroom door open but looking over, Amy has done just that. Outraged, Sheldon goes to shut it but first points out;

"Men do not sit!"

"Then you better show me how to control this thing, " Amy requests.

"I'll be right back."

Dashing to the kitchen, Sheldon quickly grabs and a handful of cheerios and runs back to the bathroom, lifting the lid and tossing them in.

"This is how my dad trained me, " Sheldon explains. "Stand 2 inches from the bowl, legs shoulder-width apart and use your index finger and thumb to aim it and sink the cheerios."

She does a decent job, keeping 3 of the 4 Cheerios sunk. As Amy finishes, Sheldon wonders, "what are the maintenance protocols for your... lady bits?"

"It's self-explanatory," Amy replies.

"Is it?" Sheldon challenges.

Sighing, Amy replies, "always front to back. When I have my menses, I like to follow up with a flushable wet wipe."

"I do not want to experience _that, "_ Sheldon replies with a disgusted shudder.

It seems Sheldon's subconscious mind has decided he needs to appreciate her more and treat her better, sentiments Amy can fully get behind. If she has to live as her husband for 24 hours, she's going to take full advantage by showing him just how thoughtless, demanding and disingenuous he can be.

"I'm in need of a hot beverage, Amy, " she requests, waiting to see how Sheldon reacts.

"Alright. What would you like?" Sheldon wonders, unfazed

"Tea. Earl Grey warmed to precisely 150 degrees, steeped for 4 minutes and with 2 tablespoons of sugar stirred counter-clockwise."

"I know how you take your tea, " he reassures when getting out of bed.

While waiting on the tea kettle, Sheldon locates the medications he was prescribed and takes them and a glass of apple juice into the bedroom for Amy. She's sitting up in bed watching Ellen when he enters and mutes the sound.

"You're going to rot my brain with that mindless drivel, " he pouts. "Are you in pain?"

"Yeah. When I said I'd do anything to take your pain away, I had no idea what I was saying," she gripes.

Holding the pills out to her, Amy pops them in her mouth, followed by draining the glass of juice. Once finished, Sheldon plugs in the heat pad and places it upon Amy's/his injured shoulder.

"This helped in the hospital, " he explains.

"Thanks, " Amy replies.

Surprising Amy, Sheldon leans over and pecks her lips. Promising, "tea will be ready soon, " he goes out to the kitchen and awaits the whistling of the tea kettle. Amy really should eat something while taking narcotics and antibiotics, Sheldon decides so he makes her some toast with peanut butter and honey. Taking that in, he sets the plate on the nightstand and warns, "do not to get crumbs all over the bed."

"Same old Sheldon, " Amy mutters to herself as she picks up a slice of toast.

How on Earth are they going to fool his mother? Sheldon wonders as he sits on the couch. She'll be here in 4 hours. Doubting things will be back to normal by then, Sheldon decides that he has to get some practice imitating his wife by fooling Penny and Leonard. Taking the tea into the bedroom for Amy, he watches her take a sip and declare, "perfect."

Going to Amy's dresser, he pulls out a blue blouse and khaki skirt, taking them to the bathroom in order to shower. Laughing because Sheldon obviously didn't want to go into her intimates drawer, Amy selects a bra, panties and tights, taking them in for Sheldon. She finds him staring at the shower, hand frozen upon the knobs.

"What's wrong?" Amy wonders.

"If I shower... I'm touching you... it feels like I'm violating you, " he confesses.

"I showered this morning before coming to the hospital. As for the second part of your statement, aren't you the least bit curious how arousal and coitus feel from my perspective?"

"Are you saying you plan to... explore... through... masturbation?" He whispers, scandalized.

"Well, yeah!" Amy exclaims.

"Fine, " Sheldon sighs, "let's get this over with so we can move on to more pressing matters."

"Forget it, " Amy growls before slamming the bathroom door.

Immediately following Amy out to their bedroom, he finds her... himself... laying on the bed. Thinking the narcotic is finally kicking in and Amy is going to sleep, Sheldon decides to go play World of Warcraft. Hearing sniffling, he stops and turns towards the bed, asking, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing, " Amy snaps at him.

"You're crying. Obviously, you're upset."

"Fine, you want to know?" Amy asks as she rolls onto her back. "I feel stupid..."

"You are not stupid, Amy."

"Let me finish. I feel stupid for thinking things would be any different once we got married. You had me fooled for awhile thinking it could be different... it would be different. I see now that was just you throwing me a bone. What you really want is a sexless marriage and for me to be okay with you spending as little time as possible with me."

"That is not true. I enjoy spending time with you, Amy. I enjoy making love to you."

"How do you think it makes me feel when you say things like, " I can soldier through this" or "you are capable of giving yourself an orgasm" or "let's get this over with?"

"I guess... I find emotional intimacy more important than physical intimacy."

"I need both, Sheldon... and more than just once a year."

"Oh boy, " he mutters.

"I told you. Silly me to think you'd even care about my needs! I'm tired. Let me rest."

"Now hold on..." Sheldon argues.

"Maybe when I wake up this nightmare will be over and I'll find it was all a dream. I'll be back in my apartment in Glendale, alone... just me and my harp. You were just a figment of my imagination, " she whispers.

"Do you really wish we had never met?" Sheldon whispers as he crawls into bed with Amy.

"I don't... I don't know. I'm not happy with the way things are between us. I think... whatever this is... is your subconscious mind saying you're not happy either."

"Don't leave me, " Sheldon pleads. "Please. I can't go through that again."

"Then you better shape up and start appreciating me. This isn't just about sex, Sheldon. Yes, that's a large part of my complaint, but I also feel unappreciated. I feel as though you think it's an honor for me to be in your presence and be graced with any attention from you. I am your wife. You need to start treating me like an equal, like my happiness is just as important as yours, if not more so!" Amy warns.

"Okay."

A single word response is so unlike him and Amy is worried she went too far as Sheldon leaves the bedroom and closes the door. The narcotic is hitting her and no longer able to fight it, Amy soon falls asleep.

After making himself a sandwich, Sheldon sits down to play World of Warcraft on his laptop. The niggling feeling at the back of his... Amy's... brain won't stop. Arthur warned him to never go to sleep angry, and boy, is Amy angry at him right now. Sticking his half-eaten lunch in the fridge, Sheldon gently opens the bedroom door and crawls into bed next to Amy, carefully wrapping himself around her much taller, lanky frame. Careful to avoid the injured shoulder, Sheldon leans over, kisses Amy's scratchy cheek (he needs to suggest she shave) and whispers, "I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler."


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry for the delay,! Guess who drew the short straw for 12 hour grave yard shifts? Yup, yours truly. I hope to be able to update once a week but can't make any promises. Thanks for your patience!_

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As a scientist, Amy only believes in things she can see, taste, smell, touch or hear. While she acknowledges there are still many great mysteries of the universe yet to be solved, she's certain those answers will be found by scientists.

If there is a science that can explain body switching, Amy doesn't know what it is, and cannot explain how or why this happened. She is certain, however, that there is a logical explanation other than Sheldon's, "Yoda Theory."

Sitting on the edge of their bed, she bites her lip so she doesn't laugh as Sheldon struggles to put on her bra and she hears him mutter, "the hippies were right to burn these death traps."

"Need help?" She questions, not at all able to hide her mirth.

"Yes please, " Sheldon admits as he holds it out to her by the arm strap.

"I've found it easiest to hook it in the front and then twist it, " Amy explains as she slides one of the arm straps up Sheldon's/ her right arm while Sheldon repeats her actions on the left side.

"This is weird, " she whispers.

"Indeed, " Sheldon agrees.

"Does your mind ever shut off?" She wonders as she returns to sitting on the bed once Sheldon has finished hooking her beige bra. "It's exhausting. In the last 45 seconds I've thought about pizza, ninja turtles, and for some reason made a leap to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

" The only time my mind is blank is immediately after coitus, " Sheldon admits as he sits next to her. "Pop Pop taught me a trick to try to make sense of the chaos. Lay back and close your eyes, " he requests.

"Cuddle with me?" Amy requests as she lays flat on her back and stretches out her good arm across the pillows.

Settling into the crook of Amy's arm with a sigh of contentment, Sheldon glances over to make sure Amy has her eyes closed. He carefully removes her glasses and sets them on the nightstand before rolling onto his back and reaching up to hold her hand.

"Imagine you are in a large empty room. The walls and the floor are white, almost glowing from the fluorescent lighting. In the middle of the room is a stainless steel table with several boxes sitting on top. As you get closer to the boxes, you realize each is individually labeled; science, friends, useless trivia, movies and tv, etcetera. The largest box in the middle of the table is labeled, 'Amy."

"Can I see what's inside the boxes?" Amy wonders. _With his eidetic memory, his mind is a treasure chest just waiting to be unlocked and boy does she want to find the keys._

"Not right now, but it would be interesting to see if we are able to recall memories while in this state. An experiment for another time, " Sheldon suggests.

"Agreed. Continue."

"You soon notice that as you have a thought, it appears on the wall in front of you. Each thought is color-coded based on topic; orange for science, blue for friends, yellow for movies and tv... Green for 'Amy' thoughts, " Sheldon explains.

"Why green?" Amy wonders.

"Emerald green... like your eyes, " he explains.

"Hippy, " she teases with a smile as he chuckles.

"I suppose I am. Tell me what you see on the wall, " Sheldon requests.

"Red. It is commonly accepted in string theory that there are only 11 dimensions, 7 of which exist on Earth, and 3 of which are detectable by humans. String theorists believe that we simply lack the tools necessary to detect these other dimensions. What if we have somehow traveled into one of these dimensions or a black hole of some sort? I simply don't buy the " fictional one-million-year-old lizard" was capable of doing this. There has to be a logical explanation grounded in science, facts and logic. Purple. I feel horrible about our fight leading to you being in a car accident. Blue. I have my pap smear scheduled for tomorrow."

"Hold on, we'll come back to our argument. I am _not_ going to have a pap smear, " Sheldon protests.

"If we are still like this come morning, then oh, yes, you are. I've waited two months for this appointment and my doctor will not refill my birth control again until I see her, " Amy explains.

"I don't want you to refill your birth control, " he whispers in confession.

"Uhh...wha... what did you just say?" Amy questions.

"I want a baby, " Sheldon replies as he rolls to face his slack-jawed wife. _Yeah, that's exactly the expression he expected he'd have during this conversation._

"We are not ready for a baby right now, " Amy points out.

"Is this because Penny and Leonard have decided not to have children?" Sheldon questions.

"NO! This has nothing to do with them! This is about us!"

"The accident... that was not your fault. Please stop feeling guilty, " Sheldon pleads after he settles in on his side facing Amy.

"You got hurt. I'm always going to feel guilty about that. I could've found another way to talk to you about this."

"Fighting isn't ideal but sometimes it's the only way you can get through to me. I have been falling into old habits, especially since our super asymmetry project failed. I think... Yoda wants me to become more empathetic and cognizant of your wants and needs."

"Do _you_ want that, Sheldon?" Amy questions.

"Yes. I want to be a better husband... the best husband. I do excel at everything, after all."

"I need to be more patient and understanding with you. I know you're not particularly fond of being physically intimate..."

"But..."

"Let me finish?" Amy requests. "We need a compromise that works for both of us. I'm open to designing a schedule."

"Thank you, " Sheldon whispers. "So... where did we land on babymaking?" He wonders.

"I have serious reservations and concerns that give me pause when I seriously consider having children, " Amy confesses. "I am not prepared to give up my career to be a stay at home parent, nor are we in a position financially in which we can do so. We have to be a two-income household, especially since we will need to move to a larger place. I will need you to be an equal partner, Sheldon. That means changing diapers, assisting with baths, meal times, play time, discipline, parent-teacher meetings, staying up all night with a sick baby and many other tasks. A child, especially an infant, will not adhere to your schedules."

"I'm well aware of that, Amy. You will not create our child by yourself and you will not raise it by yourself. I won't let you raise our child by yourself. I want to be a loving hands on Dad. I want to be the partner you need."

"My greatest concern is if we were to have a child of average intelligence..."

"Unlikely. Our neural network showed that our combined DNA is exceptional, " Sheldon counters.

"Hypothetically, if our child was of average intelligence or born with a disability, would you love our child unconditionally?"

"Of course I would!" Sheldon exclaims, on the verge of outrage. "How can you ask me that?!"

"You treat everyone, including our friends, as if you are superior to them, "

"But I am! I have the highest IQ and highest number of degrees, " Sheldon points out.

"You know that IQ tests are not an accurate measure of a person's intelligence, especially for someone of above average intelligence. Howard is just as intelligent as me, if not more so..."

"Amy, Amy, Amy... I see what you're doing here, " Sheldon chides as he shakes his head.

"You do?" Amy questions.

"You're trying to seduce me, " Sheldon replies.

"No, I'm not. These are real and valid concerns."

"I will love our child unconditionally because it is the perfect combination of our DNA. This is my solemn vow, Amy." He whispers in her ear.

"Okay. Let me sit with this for a while. It's a life-altering decision and I don't want to be impulsive."

"Alright. Can we discuss it with your doctor? I'm sure there are things we should be doing prior to trying to conceive."

"Of course, " Amy agrees. "Now, your Mom will be here in an hour and we will have to convince her that nothing is amiss. I'm propsing that for the time being, we use terms of endearment such as you calling me, " Cuddles." The last thing we need to do is slip up with given names."

"Why don't we just tell them?" Sheldon wonders.

"They will never believe us, " Amy points out. "I think we can convincingly pull off fooling our friends and your Mom in social settings as long as I am not asked anything about science fiction or your games. Tell me about your current quest with the guys."

"First of all, it's called a campaign. We're playing a diceless system which uses a Jenga tower instead. The game is set in the 23rd century. Our gamemaster, or GM, in this case, Raj, is the head of a super secret spy organization and hires the rest of us on as recruits."

"Oh, like Men in Black!" Amy exclaims.

"Yes, now that you mention it, there is a resemblance. I'm playing a talking head in a jar."

"Fascinating. Let's see... Bernadette and Penny are obsessed with Fortnight and like to gossip about coworkers."

"Pfft, I'm not at all concerned about the blondes. It's my mother that scares me."

"And on that note, we need to get going to the airport, " Amy points out as she glances at the time.

* * *

"Thanks again for coming, Mary. It really wasn't necessary, " Sheldon says as they walk up the last flight of stairs.

"You're welcome, sugar. We both know how _challenging_ this one can be under the best of circumstances..."

"Hey!" Amy protests for good measure.

So far, they seem to be fooling Mary into thinking nothing is amiss, Sheldon happily notices as he lifts Mary's extra large suitcase up the stairs. _What does she have in here? Rocks?_

"Oh, hush it. You know it's the truth. Taking care of you is a full-time job when you're sick or hurt and our girl needs to get back to work at the university. Are you still doing that fascinating study on sensory deprivation?" Mary wonders.

"I am, " Sheldon answers, "in addition to collaborating with Sheldon on our theory."

"I wish Y'all would do some collaboratin' of a different kind if ya know what I mean, " Mary hints. "I'm chompin' at the bit for another grandbaby."

"Oh, well uh..." Amy stutters as she looks to Sheldon for help. He's just smiling sweetly at her, waiting for an answer. Ugh! She now understands why he hates when she does that.

"We're enjoying being newlyweds and there has been a lot of... 'Collaborating, " but we're not ready for a baby right now, " Sheldon explains as he opens the door to 4B.

"Oh, honey, no one is ever ready, " Mary replies, "not to pressure you two more than I already am, but it would mean so much to Meemaw to see her Moonpie as a Daddy."

"We decided fairly early on that we want children someday," Sheldon replies, attempting to appease his mother. "Maybe we need to discuss a timetable. I'm not getting any younger."

Allowing Mary to enter the apartment ahead of them, Amy leans down and whispers, "what are you doing?!" Not giving Sheldon time to answer, she enters the apartment and immediately flops down on the couch.

 _"Honey,_ could you please make us some tea?" Amy sweetly asks as Sheldon sets the suitcase by the door.

"Of course, darlin', " Sheldon replies, dropping the 'G' at the end.

"That came out sounding very Texan, " Mary comments with an amused smirk. "How's that arm?"

"Excruciating, " Amy honestly answers, "but at least it's not a cast."

"Oh, Amy would be running for the hills if you were in a cast! Remember when you were 6 and spent the summer in an arm cast after we tried to get you to play t-ball? I nearly lost my mind from your constant complaints of the cast being itchy and a germ-ridden cesspool, " Mary recalls. "And when Georgie told you that you could stick a metal hanger down it to scratch... Ooh, I coulda wrung his neck."

"How is Georgie?" Sheldon questions, knowing Amy would politely ask after the family.

"Same as always. Not to be a gossip but..." Mary begins as she spends the next 45 minutes filling them in on the goings on of each member of the Cooper family as well as her church. Other than a lot of ", uh huhs" and nodding, Sheldon and Amy don't have to say much. _And Amy was worried we couldn't pull this off!_

Deciding to have dinner with their friends, they go across the hall to apartment 4A where Leonard is hard at work on his whiteboard as they enter. As hugs are exchanged between Mary and Leonard, Sheldon takes the opportunity to examine what Leonard is working on.

"He needs a reciprocal invert, " Sheldon whispers to Amy.

"Be thoughtful and grab a pillow for my arm, " she whispers back.

"You're in my spot and it's making me very uncomfortable, " he whispers in reply. Knowing how to get his way, he stands up and suggests, "I know it's not your spot but I'm worried I may accidentally bump your arm. Would you like to switch spots?"

"Alright, " Amy decides as she slides over and Sheldon places the two back rest pillows under her arm and elbow before settling into his spot. _Ahh, much better._

 _"_ Where is everyone else?" Mary wonders just as the door opens and the rest of the gang, plus Anu, Halley and Baby Michael enter. "Well, that answered my question."

"Lovely to see you again, Mrs. Cooper!" Raj is the first to greet her with a hug. "This is my fiance, Anu. This is Sheldon's Mom."

"Now, I've told you, Rajesh, call me Mary. Lovely to meet you, Anu."

"Pleasure, " Anu replies with a forced smile.

"How's that arm?" Penny wonders as she sits on the floor so to give Mary a chair.

"Excruciating, " Amy replies.

"Oh, that reminds me. I have that bottle of topical ointment you wanted, " Bernadette remembers as she grabs her purse to retrieve it. As she hands it to Sheldon, he leans over to suggest, "let's go into your room and apply some of this."

"Maybe later, " Amy decides.

"Don't try to be brave, sweetheart. You should stay on top of the pain, " Sheldon replies.

"So, what's for dinner?" Howard wonders while the rest of the gang intently watches Sheldon and Amy as Amy reaches over and brings Sheldon's hand to her lips before resting their clasped hands on her thigh.

"Sheldon used to talk all the time about a cheesecake factory, " Mary recalls. "I do love a good cheesecake. Would it be alright if we went there?" She requests.

"It's been ages since we've been there but Halley won't sit still long enough for us to enjoy a meal and Mikey will need to nurse soon. Can we get it to go?" Bernie requests.

"Oh, of course, " Mary apologizes. "I remember those days well."

Soon the gang has the menu pulled up on their phones and are drooling in anticipation of their impending dinner as Penny calls in the order. Deciding this would be a good opportunity for a bathroom break, Sheldon stops at Leonard's whiteboard and adds the missing variable. Not satisfied, he also corrects the next two lines of the equation before running out of room.

"There! It was driving me crazy!" Sheldon exclaims as he caps the marker.

Counting to 10, Leonard attempts to calm himself as he asks, "what is the one rule we have in this apartment?"

"I know! Do not touch..." Raj answers before going mute as Leonard glares at him.

"Do not touch another person's board without permission, " Leonard finishes. "Why did we have to put that rule in place?"

"Because Sheldon is a big baby and cried when Leslie Winkle touched his board... even though she was right, " Howard points out.

"She got lucky, " Sheldon answers, which gets raised eyebrows and a sassy meow from Bernadette.

"If you wanted to help, you could've told me rather than make Amy do your dirty work, " Leonard points out.

"I did no such thing!" Amy protests.

"Please. Amy's smart but there is no way she understands that math. _I_ barely understand that math, " Howard replies.

"Are you calling my wife stupid?" Amy wonders as she towers over Howard.

"Boys! There's no need for this to turn into a fight!" Mary exclaims as she tries to calm tempers.

"Yes, Sheldon, that is precisely what I am saying, " Howard smart mouths with a smirk.

"I should take you outside and..." Amy threatens.

"That's enough!" Mary yells. "Sheldon, sit down!"

"Yes, Ma'am, " Amy meekly replies.

"My money's on Sheldon, " Raj whispers to an amused Anu.

"I think I'd like that ointment applied now, " Amy requests of Sheldon as they make their way to Sheldon's old room.

"Are they acting stranger than usual or is it just my imagination?" Mary questions once they hear the bedroom door close.

"I was thinking the same thing, " Leonard replies.

"They're not usually so affectionate but they had a huge fight right before the car accident. I think they have yet to talk about it and are walking on eggshells around each other as a result, " Penny explains for Mary's benefit.

"Maybe that conk on the noggin has done Shelly some good, " Mary hopes, "but the act those two are putting on ain't foolin' anyone. We need to get to the bottom of this."


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you so much for all of the great reviews, follows and favorites!

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"Good night, " Sheldon and Amy wish Mary as they close the door at Apartment 4A and head across the hall. As Sheldon settles onto the couch to watch some tv and unwind, Amy heads to the kitchen and fills the tea kettle. Sitting at the island, she doodles on a notepad as she waits for the water to boil and tries to come up with a way to start a conversation with Sheldon about his behavior tonight, specifically the whiteboard incident. Deciding the only way to go is with the truth, she waits for the next commercial break.

" _We need to talk, "_ she says. The four words that instantly strike fear in the heart of anyone who has ever been in love. For Sheldon, his heart flatlines for a few seconds, only starting again as he reminds himself to breathe.

"I don't want to fight, " he begs her as he looks up with pleading eyes. He's scared of something, she realizes as she notices him picking at the chips of her red nail polish.

"I don't either, " Amy promises as she pours water into the mugs. "We have a few housekeeping procedures to cover. No fighting, I promise. Item one: the whiteboard incident. Sheldon, you are a stickler for following the rules, especially one you created. Why'd you do it?" She wonders while taking two mugs of tea to the couch and handing him one.

"To show off, tout my... well _your_ place as the most intelligent of the wives, " he confesses, "and to prove that you are more intelligent than Howard," he adds with a proud smirk.

"Do you realize that when you insult and fight with the guys, it directly impacts me and my relationships with Penny and Bernadette?" She wonders.

"Why should it? They're mutually exclusive."

"Maybe for logical and rational people like us who can separate the issues, but for them, it's not possible. They immediately take their spouse's side and I become the enemy too, " she explains.

"Even when they're wrong?" He wonders while reaching for his tea.

"Most especially when they're wrong. They dig their heels in until I am the one left apologizing. As long as we are like this, I need you to try to not make messes that I will be left cleaning up."

"I always pick up after myself, " he replies, confused at the sudden turn in the conversation.

"What I mean is, please don't cause problems for me, either socially or professionally. Defer to me if you have a question about what I would do in any given situation, " she pleads.

"Alright. Item two?" He asks.

"Your mom is playing dirty by invoking Meemaw when pressuring us to have a baby. I want you to promise me that this discussion... this decision about possibly starting a family... it needs to stay between us and be _our_ decision. We are not going to let them pressure us into something I am not sure I'm ready for."

"If it were up to me, we'd already be expecting, " Sheldon confesses.

"You really want this?" She whispers.

Her hands are shaking with nerves, Sheldon realizes as he removes her tea from her hands and sets it on the table before any more can slosh out over the rim. He turns to her and takes both of her hands, lacing their fingers as he whispers, "I really do. I've made no secret of my desire to procreate with you."

"True, but it was for the advancement of science or so we could have little martian babies, " she points out.

"Well, how about we have some very cute, very smart earthling babies? We can decorate the nursery in trains... or monkeys... or monkeys on trains!" He excitedly exclaims at his brilliant idea as Amy can't help but laugh.

"I honestly thought I would be the one begging for a baby, " she admits, "which brings me to my final item for the night... self 'exploration.' I am immensely curious about how things work... down there... and I want your permission to..."

"No, " he interrupts, as Amy pulls away from him looking crestfallen. "If we are going to do that, then you are going to show me how and where you like to be touched. You are going to give me your perfect kiss and then and only then will I join in. I wouldn't be a very good scientist if I didn't admit that I am curious too."

"Let's find out together, " she requests, parroting the words he said to her many moons ago on the night they were first intimate.

"Okay, but first, I want to conduct another experiment to see if we can access each others' episodic memories by saying a word or set of words connected to the event, " Sheldon requests.

"Alright. Do you want to go first?" She wonders.

This scares him. If Amy has unrestricted access to his memories, she will undoubtedly recall things that were the most painful for him; Pop Pop, has dad's death, their break up. He's praying to every deity he doesn't believe in (along with Superman... it worked for Homer Simpson after all) that this doesn't work.

"The day we met, " he decides on. Something safe, knowing she'd try accessing that memory on her own should this experiment prove successful.

Closing her eyes, Amy once again enters the nondescript white room from earlier and walks up to the box labeled, "Amy." Easily able to open the lid, she pulls out a glass of tepid water and is immediately transported to the coffee shop where they first met. She feels Sheldon's breath hitch in his lungs as she walks through the door and they verbally spar before she asks for water when Sheldon offered to buy her a drink.

 _She's fascinating. I wonder how many men she's used that line on?_ Sheldon wonders as they take a seat at a far table and Sheldon glances over at Howard, who gives him a thumbs up.

"You looked at my butt!" Sheldon suddenly exclaims in mock outrage.

"Yeah, I did, " she saucily replies with a wink. "I had to see if the back matched the front. Additionally, yes I could bounce quarters off your cute tushie."

"Moving on, your turn, " Sheldon insists as he blushes.

"Alright. Let's see if you can access something from before we met. Hmm..." Amy pauses as she stops to think. "How about..."

"Amy, I don't like this, " Sheldon confesses as he puts a stop to it and reaches for her hand. "It feels like an egregious invasion of privacy."

"Okay, we can stop, " Amy agrees.

"You won't go sifting through my mind without permission?" He questions.

"I promise. I'm really just curious about various milestones of our relationship from your perspective but I also... I wanted to meet your dad and Pop Pop, " she confesses. "You have my word that I won't."

"Thank you, " Sheldon replies as he leans in to kiss her cheek. "I think I need to show you how to shave."

"Really? I think you're cute with a beard, " Amy confesses.

"The North Pole pictures?" Sheldon confirms as Amy hums in response.

"So..." He whispers, "are you going to kiss me or not?"

"If what you want to experience is my idea of the perfect kiss..."

"I do, " Sheldon confirms.

"I will need for you to stand up, facing the door, " Amy requests as she leads Sheldon to his mark.

Standing before him, she's suddenly nervous. She's attempting to recreate the kiss from the night they reconciled after a long, torturous 6-month separation, but now, she's not sure if it will be possible to reignite that spontaneity, that passion if she choreographs everything. Well, she has to try, and who knows, this might become a contender for her favorite kiss.

"Arms around my ribs. Careful to avoid my shoulder, " she cautions while placing her hands on Sheldon's hips.

 _Just go for it,_ her brain yells as she closes her eyes and tries to get over the fact she is kissing her physical self. Telling herself it's just a dream from Sheldon's point of view, Amy closes her eyes as she leans in and lightly brushes her lips against Sheldon's, waiting for him to respond. When he doesn't, she pulls back and whispers, "do you know what I'm attempting to recreate?"

"The train kiss?" He guesses. "You never actually touched me during that."

"No, although that was a great kiss. I'm trying to recreate our reconciliation kiss. That was almost perfect."

"Almost?" Sheldon questions.

"Well, my date being there was very awkward, " she admits, "but the kiss itself was perfect."

He promised Amy he wouldn't, but he must know what was so great about that kiss from her perspective. As he closes his eyes, he sits down in the front row of the theater he imagines Amy watches all of her favorite memories in, and waits just a few seconds for the film reel to begin playing.

 _"Kiss her you brilliant fool!"_ Dave Gibbs yells at him. And kiss her he did.

Amy must be referring to the second kiss as "the perfect kiss" as she gasps in surprise when his lips crash into hers and he plunders her mouth with his tongue while he held her close, so very close, afraid that if he let her go, he'd lose her again. Once she kicked Dave out, he turned so she was leaning against the door and cupped her cheeks in his hands as they came up for air, panting heavily. Leaning his forehead against hers, the only word she could say was a breathy, whispered, "wow."

"What is it about this kiss specifically that makes it your perfect kiss?" Sheldon wonders as he opens his eyes to find Amy looking at him curiously with that little head tilt he does when he's trying to be cute for her.

"The longing... the... the passion in that kiss. I stopped being just an option, just a playmate at your beck and call and became the love of your life during that kiss, " Amy explains.

"You have always been the love of my life."

"But I didn't _feel_ it until that kiss. Sure, there were occasional flashes, like our train kiss, the tiara or prom night but you were also pushed into action in every instance. This time, it was your choice to act. Does that make sense?" Amy wonders.

"Yes. May I show you my perfect kiss?" Sheldon wonders.

"Of course, " Amy agrees as Sheldon takes her hand and leads her to the couch.

Being mindful of Amy's injured shoulder, Sheldon carefully leans forward and presses his lips to hers, just as she did the night they consummated their relationship. Immediately feeling Amy relax as she leans back on the couch, Sheldon does that little nibble thing that Amy likes, making her moan as her tongue finds his. That always makes him feel dizzy and tonight is no exception. _Fascinating._

"See? Perfect," he whispers as Sheldon kisses along her neck, just the way he likes, as she comes up for air several minutes later.

"Mmmhmm, " Amy agrees, not able to say much else when Sheldon lightly sucks on her carotid artery in the way he knows drives her crazy.

"I didn't think you liked when I do that?" Amy questions.

"I do, but I'm always afraid of us leaving marks. Can you imagine the teasing we'd endure?" Sheldon questions.

"It would be endless, " Amy agrees before finding his lips once again.

Instinct taking over, they melt into their next kiss and find themselves soon forgetting all about the strange situation they find themselves in, that is until Amy puts her now long legs over the armrest of the couch as she normally does when they make out and knocks over the lamp on the end table.

"Crap!" She exclaims as it shatters.

"It's alright. I'll clean it up. Why don't you go make yourself more comfortable?" Sheldon suggests before pecking her lips.

"Okay. Can you bring in my medications and a glass of water? I'm sure I'll need them when we're finished."

"We don't have to..."

"I want to, " Amy reassures as she pecks his lips again before going to the bedroom.

As he walks to the small utility closet to retrieve the broom and dustpan, Sheldon is shocked that kissing Amy felt... surprisingly _normal_ , once he got over the fact it was his physical self he was kissing, of course. Now the real experiment starts and it has him more than a little nervous. Penny's advice from long ago, "just do what feels right for both of you, " comes to mind. It's not as if they're fumbling virgins, so at least they have that on their side. That being said, as great as his wife is (and she's pretty great) she doesn't know how to control his brain from becoming too overwhelmed and what if he prematurely... _Amy might find it hysterical but he certainly will not._ During coitus, bringing Amy pleasure causes him pleasure so he has never worried about these things before, but tonight... this will truly test the limits of his self-control.

Grabbing two bottles of water and Amy's medication, Sheldon makes his way into their bedroom to find Amy sitting on the foot of the bed. She looks up as he enters and smiles reassuringly at him as she pats the spot next to her.

"Are you alright?" Sheldon worriedly questions as he takes his spot.

"I am. I just wanted to check with you before we proceed. Are you alright?"

"Yes, " Sheldon reassures.

Sitting in awkward silence as they face each other, neither is quite sure how to start this experiment as Amy laughs nervously and reflexively reaches to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"Oh, right, " she murmurs as her hand brushes against Sheldon's short cropped hair. "So how do you want to...?"

"Let's keep it as normal as possible by snuggling and kissing as we normally do during coitus, " Sheldon suggests. "I'm going to remove your arm brace. Let it hang freely at your side, " he requests while reaching for a pillow to rest her arm upon as he undoes the velcro strap around Amy's neck.

"I think I'm going to start wearing your pajama top during the day, at least around the house. I'll be much more comfortable, " Amy decides as she hisses when she accidentally moves the shoulder when trying to help Sheldon undress her.

"I'd never do that, " Sheldon points out, "but I do want you to be comfortable. Can we compromise with you wearing my date night shirts?"

"Deal, " Amy readily agrees. "Maybe this will be less awkward if we go shower?" She suggests.

"Kissing felt normal once I closed my eyes, " Sheldon confesses, "but a shower does sound good, " he agrees as he bunches his t-shirts and gently lifts them over Amy's head before sliding it down her injured arm.

Taking a few seconds to remove the cardigan and blouse, Sheldon sighs in relief as he finally unclasps Amy's bra and throws it on top of the hamper with a look of disgust as Amy laughs at the evident hatred on his face.

"No offense, but being you is horrible, " Sheldon points out.

"Women definitely got the short end of this deal, " Amy agrees as Sheldon turns on the water and adjusts the temp.

"Tell me if anything hurts?" Sheldon requests while wrapping his arms around Amy's waist for a hug and laying his head against her uninjured shoulder.

"I will, " Amy promises while turning her head to kiss the crown of Sheldon's head.

 _Something is bothering him,_ Amy decides as he steps into the shower first before holding out his hand to help her in. They've established a routine for their showers together, and tonight is no different as Sheldon tilts he head back to wet his hair since it will take longer to wash. Once wet, he reaches for Amy's peppermint anti-dandruff shampoo, being stopped as she requests, "let me? Please?" as she holds her uninjured hand out for Sheldon to squirt a glob of shampoo into.

"I'll get a lather going and then you can help, " Sheldon decides as he quickly lathers up his long hair and lets Amy take over as she runs her fingers through it, checking for tangles before massaging his scalp. Closing his eyes, he relaxes into her touch as Amy reaches around to rinse her hand.

"Trade, " Sheldon calls as he slides around her so she can wet her hair. As he does so, Sheldon reaches out and gives her a love tap on the rear as he decides, "you're right. I do have a cute tushie."

Tension broken, Sheldon leans up for a soft kiss as he passes by to let Amy wet her hair. She wraps her arm around his waist and holds him to her as she deepens the kiss by nibbling on his bottom lip in that way that instantly turns her on. Noticing it's working on Sheldon as he moans, she reaches around and grabs a handful of his rear, giving a firm squeeze.

"Hmm, no wonder you can't stop staring at my ass, " she teases as Sheldon breaks the kiss.

"I do no such thing, " Sheldon protests while blushing.

"Sure, right, whatever, " she sasses while tapping her head thrice to indicate she has all the proof she needs.

As Amy finishes wetting her hair, she sits on the edge of the tub so Sheldon can reach to shampoo her hair. Closing her eyes, she soon feels him gently massaging her scalp, being careful to avoid irritating a few scabs from the car accident. Having Amy right where he wants her, Sheldon gently tilts her head up to him as he finishes shampooing Amy's hair and teases her with tiny pecking kisses. Just as she tries to respond, he pulls back and grins at her, leaving her frustrated as she stands and gets under the spray to rinse her hair first.

While Amy rinses her hair, Sheldon plots his next move as he glances to his still flaccid penis. Lathering his body wash in his hands, he waits until Amy is finished rinsing her hair before massaging the soap onto her chest in large circles with his hands. Taking some of the suds, he carefully washes each arm, leaving the pits alone before working his way lower down her abdomen and to her legs. _It's just self-abuse,_ he thinks to himself as he stands and presses his chest into Amy's back as he reaches around her with his right hand and takes his penis into his hand.

"This... feeling you pressed against me just like this as you take me into your hand is what I love the most about our showers together, " Sheldon whispers in her ear while gently kissing her injured shoulder.

"It... it feels wonderful, " Amy whispers as a warm, gentle throbbing starts between her legs.

"How far are we going with this?" Sheldon wonders.

"I... I don't understand, " Amy replies. All of the blood is draining south and she just wants him to keep doing that... ooh with that little twist of his wrist at the end. She'll have to remember he likes that.

"Is it just hands, oral, coitus... all of the above?" Sheldon wonders.

"Considering my appointment tomorrow, I think we should only use our hands... unless, by some miracle, you have a condom?" Amy questions.

"Why would I have condoms? We agreed after our first time that we didn't want to use them."

"Worth asking, " she pants as Sheldon resumes pumping. "Mmmm."

"Just relax and feel, " Sheldon whispers in her ear as he wraps his left arm around her waist.

Amy's surprised that the climb towards achieving orgasm actually feels very similar as Sheldon continues, spurred on by her moans and panting. Sensing she's getting close, she puts her hand over Sheldon's and together they bring Amy to climax as she bites her lip to contain the moan trying to escape.

"Well?" Sheldon asks as Amy catches her breath.

"My orgasms as a woman are better. This felt like a sneeze in comparison."

"I look forward to experiencing that, " he whispers before leaning up for a kiss.

Amy turns what was meant to be a tender loving kiss into something raw and animalistic as her tongue invades Sheldon's mouth and she kisses him with all the love and passion she can convey.

"I need... I need air, " Sheldon pants after a few minutes of intense making out while Amy moves on to kissing his neck while kneading her breast like pizza dough as Sheldon once put it.

"I think it will be easiest for me to touch you in our bed, " Amy decides.

"Yeah, " Sheldon gasps.

The water is beginning to turn cold as they finish showering. As they step out, Amy decides to still embrace one of their traditions as she wraps the towel around Sheldon and holds him to her chest, just as Sheldon does to her.

"This is my favorite part of our showers, " she whispers.

"I'll start trying to be more affectionate with you, " Sheldon promises.

"Just... be yourself, " Amy replies as Sheldon drops his towel to the floor with a mischevious grin.

There's no telling how long they will be like this. It could (and Amy hopes it will) all be back to normal come morning, so she needs to make the most of this most unusual opportunity. Sheldon doesn't like oral sex, either receiving or giving, deeming it highly unhygienic. They've only done it twice before, once during her annual birthday coitus celebration and again on their wedding night. She has a golden opportunity now to change Sheldon's mind by letting him experience just how pleasurable it is for her. Plus, she can admit to being curious about it from his perspective; the sight, the smell, the taste, so she definitely wins either way.

As they reach the bed, Amy requests Sheldon lay horizontal so his bottom half is at the edge of the bed. Grabbing a pillow, she kneels upon it while Sheldon props his head up on two pillows so he can watch. Using her good arm for balance, Amy leans down over Sheldon and kisses her way from his lips down his chest and stomach before whispering, "spread 'em, " making Sheldon laugh.

Amy dips two fingers into Sheldon seeking out the small nub and making Sheldon's toes curl. Taking a deep breath, she closes her eyes and swirls her tongue, causing Sheldon to loudly moan as he fists their blanket in his hands.

"Shhh, your mom is across the hall, " Amy softly warns before diving back in.

"Oh God, feels so good, " Sheldon moans.

There's a tight, wonderful coil of pleasure building in his pelvis as Amy licks and uses her fingers to torture him until he begins shaking uncontrollably and arching off of the bed. Gasping for air as he comes down, he feels like he just had an out of body experience. If this is what Amy feels like after coitus... and he always makes sure she climaxes twice...no wonder she falls asleep almost immediately.

"Are you alright?" Amy asks. He has a huge smile on his face but hasn't moved as he catches his breath.

"Wow, " Sheldon exclaims.

"You are welcome, " Amy replies as she crawls up on the bed and Sheldon curls up at her side, cuddling with her as he lays his arm across her waist.

"You proved your point. I'll be doing that to you much more often."

 _"Mission accomplished, "_ Amy declares as they close their eyes and fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_Still flat chested. Still have a penis._ Amy groans as she awakens the next morning. Sheldon is in for a "fun" day. Knowing she's going to hear hours of his whining after having a pap smear, she decides she needs coffee and gets out of bed to go to the kitchen. It's as she's pulling down the box of k-cups that it hits her; Sheldon and caffeine don't mix. She'll be bouncing off the walls if she even has a sip of a caffeinated beverage and decaf is somebody's idea of a sick joke. _Damn it Yoda!_ She thinks, not having anyone else to blame.

Sheldon awakens soon after and kisses Amy's cheek as he passes by on his way to make oatmeal for breakfast. Amy looks up and smiles sweetly at him... a little _too_ sweet for his liking. _What's that about?_ He wonders as he rips open the instant oatmeal packets and pours them into his bowl.

"You'll need to give a urine sample so you should have a couple of glasses of water with breakfast, " she advises from her spot on the couch.

 _Oh, that's why she's in such a great mood. She's looking forward to laughing at me as I complain about the pap smear._

"What do I need to know about this test?" Sheldon wonders as he pours the microwaved hot water on his oatmeal.

"Other than it's awkward, invasive, uncomfortable and definitely invented by a man?" Amy lists.

"Yes, besides that "

"I'm going to owe you a trip to both the train store and the comic book store afterward."

"It's that bad?" Sheldon asks while going pale.

"Well it's not pleasant, " Amy replies as she explains the procedure and provides Sheldon with the answers to questions the doctor may ask.

"You will definitely owe me, " Sheldon decides as Amy finishes her explanation.

After checking in with Mary, who is staying across the hall, and making plans to take her out for lunch, Sheldon and Amy make their way to her OBGYN's office and are soon led back to the patient rooms. Waiting in the room with the nurse while Sheldon provides a urine sample, the nurse points out, "we don't get very many husbands at these appointments."

"I'm sure, " Amy replies. "We're thinking of starting a family and both have some questions for Dr. Smith."

"Great. Is there anything in particular of concern?" The nurse wonders as Sheldon comes back in.

" My periods have been irregular since puberty which is the primary reason I went onto oral contraceptives in the first place, " Sheldon explains in an answer he rehearsed on the ride over. "We're concerned about how long I should be off the pill before we start trying as well as the complete unpredictability of my cycles."

"Alright, well, go ahead and change into the gown. Everything except your socks needs to come off. Dr. Smith will be right in."

"Really? Sheldon questions after the door shut as he holds up the pink paper used to cover his lap.

" I told you, definitely invented by a man."

"When was your last period?" Sheldon whispers to Amy after changing. He's been nervously crossing and uncrossing his legs as he squirms at the thought of how many naked bottoms in various states of cleanliness have sat upon this table before him.

"3 weeks ago. I have a 28-day cycle while on the pills. My next period is due in 4 days, " she replies, feeling just a tiny bit sorry for Sheldon as he crosses his legs again.

"Anything else I need to know?" Sheldon wonders as there's a knock on the door and a short, grey-haired man and the nurse from earlier come in.

"I understand you're here for pre-conception counseling? Well, you're a little bit late for that, " the doctor explains as he chuckles. "Congratulations."

Certain he didn't understand this correctly, Sheldon looks over to Amy for her reaction. Yeah, he definitely understood correctly, he decides. Amy's eyes are about to bug out of her head as she opens and closes her mouth, unable to make a sound.

"We're having a baby?" Amy finally questions, just above a whisper.

"You had a positive pregnancy test, " the doctor confirms. "Are you having any symptoms, such as sore breasts, nausea, increased urination?"

"No. I haven't even missed my period yet, " Sheldon replies.

"I see. Since it's so early on, I'd like to run some additional lab work to confirm and check your vitamin levels, " the doctor replies. "We'll schedule your first prenatal exam upon lab confirmation. Go ahead and lay back for me, Amy."

"I'm sure this is a shock, " Dr. Smith empathizes as he unbuttons the sleeve of the gown.

"Yes. I've been taking my birth control pill religiously at 7 am every morning, " Sheldon replies.

"The pill can have up to a 10 percent failure rate, " the doctor explains as Sheldon grunts when the doctor takes Sheldon's right breast into his hand. "There's the tenderness. Sorry."

"Is there any risk to the fetus from continued use of the pill after conception?" Amy wonders.

"While there are no known risks of birth defects or pregnancy complications, I'm going to advise you stop taking it. We'll prescribe a prenatal vitamin, " Dr. Smith replies.

Sheldon is being very quiet, Amy worries as she tries catching his eyes after he scoots to the end of the table for the doctor to continue his exam. She thought he'd be ready to bolt off the table and shout their news from the rooftops. Surprisingly, that is exactly what she wants to do. Keeping this secret from Mary, let alone all their friends, is going to be a tall challenge indeed. She's over the moon now that the decision has been taken out of her hands entirely. They're having a baby!

Sheldon still seems in shock as they walk to the parking garage and get into the car. Worried that he's not in any condition to drive, Amy places her hand over his as he goes to turn over the ignition.

"Are you alright?" Amy quietly asks.

"I'm pregnant?! Me, Sheldon Cooper, the guy who can't even get a flu shot without moral support, is going to go through pregnancy and childbirth like I'm some... some seahorse? I know I said I wanted a baby but that was when I thought that my part in creating our progeny would be over as soon as I orgasmed. I don't... I don't think I can do this, Amy."

"I can think of no one I trust more to keep our homo novus safe and warm in its hotel womb, " Amy jokes, making Sheldon smile. "This isn't how I imagined this moment for us either, Sheldon, but I think we need to be prepared for this body swap to be long-term. You can do this and I will be there every step of the way."

"Okay, " Sheldon murmurs as he takes a deep breath to relax. "This needs to remain our secret, at least until we have the ultrasound."

"I agree. Are you better now?" She wonders.

"I am, " he replies with a smile while reaching for her hand, which he holds to his still flat stomach. "There's a baby in there."


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for all of the awesome reviews!

Apologies for the delay! 3 active WIP's are proving a bit much for me right now. My plan is to rotate through each of the 3. If you want to know which is next to be updated, please check the last time I updated. The oldest "last updated" WIP is next in line. :)

* * *

Keeping a secret has never been Sheldon's forte, Amy worries as they pull up to the curb of their apartment building, where Mary is waiting for them so they can go to lunch. Now with two huge secrets to keep, it's only a matter of time before her honest to a fault husband spills the proverbial beans. Amy suspects he'll tell either his Mom or Penny that there's a Baby Cooper on board.

She can hardly believe it herself as she gets out to allow Mary to have the front seat next to Sheldon. He seems outwardly calm as he smiles at Mary. She's certain his mind is racing, as is hers. Getting her first taste of using Sheldon's eidetic memory, Amy recalls the smile upon his/ her face as he placed her hand upon his/her stomach and said, "there's a baby in there." He seems alright with it, not that they can or would do anything about a surprise pregnancy.

"How was your appointment? Everything alright?" Mary asks while buckling her seatbelt.

"Yes, everything went well, " Sheldon quickly replies as he checks his mirrors and pulls out into traffic.

"Good, good. So, what's for lunch?" Mary wonders.

"Well, that's up to you to decide, " Amy explains from the backseat. "I want to go to Carney's, which serves yummy hot dogs in a vintage train car..." _Ugh, hot dogs. Besides, that's probably something Sheldon can't eat now that he's pregnant! Oh, my gosh, that's hysterical to think about! Sheldon Cooper is pregnant!_ Amy gleefully thinks to herself.

"Which I know you've been to a million times, " Mary interjects. "You do love those trains."

"Or, we can go to my suggestion of the Pig 'N Whistle, " Sheldon chimes in with Amy's suggestion from when they discussed this a few days earlier. "Sheldon tells me your favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. The Pig 'N Whistle hosted Judy Garland's 17th birthday party."

"Interesting, " Mary replies. "Well, what are y'all in the mood for? I'm not much feeling like hot dogs myself."

"Pig 'N Whistle it is, " Amy mopes for good measure as she sticks her tongue out at Sheldon who is checking his rearview mirror. He just laughs in response making Mary question what's so funny.

"Your son is a sore loser, " Sheldon explains as he sticks his tongue out at Amy who chuckles in response.

"Kids, " Mary mutters to herself while thanking the Lord that her Shelly found someone that can make him laugh like this.

The rest of the ride is filled with Mary regaling them with stories about Missy's two kids, Aiden and Lily, much to Amy's amusement and Sheldon's horror as Sheldon finds himself worried that his offspring shares at least a partial genetic code with a child whose favorite past time is finger painting with the contents of her diaper. As if reading his mind, he catches Amy's eyes in the mirror as they park and she gives him a look he can only interpret as, "keep your opinion to yourself."

Exiting the car, Amy opens a surprised Mary's door for her as she waits for Sheldon to come around the back of the car and quickly reaches to squeeze his hand as he holds the door open for them.

"Thank you, Sweetheart," Amy softly murmurs to Sheldon as she passes by him on her way inside.

"You're welcome, my love, " Sheldon replies as Amy places her hand on Sheldon's back to guide her into the restaurant.

"Isn't that cute?" Mary comments to herself, being overheard by Amy who worries their affectionate nature is going to open up a can of worms for them. "Married life seems to agree with you, Shelly."

"Indeed, " Amy easily agrees.

Amy has always loved old buildings as well as movies, and today is no different as she takes in the art deco cream with gold trim vaulted ceiling, several crystal chandeliers and black and white photos of actors from the golden age of film which line the walls.

"That photo was quite scandalous at the time, " Mary recalls as she points to the iconic photo of Marilynn Monroe standing over a subway grate vent. "I remember going to the theaters with my parents to watch The Seven Year Itch and my Daddy covering my eyes during that scene. He called it, 'almost pornographic.' Ooh, look at Shirley Temple! I tried curlin' Missy's hair like that when she was a baby. She looked like that carrot top fella from the AT&T commercials."

"It's been quite a while since I've had a Shirley Temple. I think I might order one with my meal, " Sheldon decides while winking at Amy when she looks up at him from where she had been examining pictures in a photo album.

"That does sound good, " Mary agrees as their party is called for their table.

Lunch is going well, with Mary telling them about Meemaw's rather hilarious attempt to get a date to the local Founder's Day dance at City Hall with the 17-year-old busboy at the diner she goes to every Saturday morning for breakfast with her friends.

"He was as red as the tomato he has cutting up for Meemaw's omelet!" Mary exclaims as they laugh. "But that next Saturday evening, he showed up in his Daddy's truck and took Mama dancing. Oh, it was the sweetest thing. Do you ever get this one to take you dancing, Amy? He's quite a twinkle toes."

"We've gone a few times, " Sheldon vaguely replies, hoping Amy won't bring up his attempt to seduce her with the flamingo. "I wish we had danced more at our reception but I could hardly move in that dress."

"You looked beautiful, simply glowing, " Mary compliments with a huge smile as her phone rings. "Oh, I need to take this. Excuse me, " she requests while heading towards the lobby to take the call.

"What are you doing?!" Sheldon whispers to Amy the second Mary is out of earshot, making his wife turn to him looking terribly confused. "You ordered ranch dressing for your chicken strips! You know I don't like ranch."

"Sorry, I forgot, " Amy apologizes.

"You... you forgot? You've known me 9 years, eaten hundreds of meals with me you, but you forgot that I always get barbeque sauce?" Sheldon berates her.

"Lose the attitude, " Amy warns. "This isn't exactly a normal situation we find ourselves in. We can explain it away by saying that I have expanded your culinary tastes to include ranch dressing."

"No, that will never work. You just outed us."

"Over ranch dressing? Hardly, " Amy scoffs.

"Just wait, my mom is going to question it."

"Then we distract her by telling her you're pregnant, " Amy responds as she sees Mary approaching their table.

"Play it cool, " Amy whispers just before Mary arrives.

"Sorry about that, " Mary apologizes. "I'm prayer partners with a young couple in our church who are having fertility issues. They're about to go into their doctor appointment and needed to talk beforehand."

"No problem, " Sheldon replies for both he and Amy.

Much as Amy predicted, Mary never questions "Sheldon's" sudden like of ranch dressing as they discuss Amy's family, their research and Mary's upcoming trip to Mexico with her church. After a quick stop at Walmart in order to pick up a few things Mary wasn't able to bring with her, they make their way back to Apartment 4A, where Mary gets to work baking for Sheldon, his wife, and their friends.

"Now, you'll want 2 cups of sugar, " Mary instructs Sheldon as they make a pecan pie.

"Diabetes on a plate, " Anu snarks as she sits on the couch next to Raj and Bernadette.

"Oh, I didn't realize you're diabetic!" Mary apologizes. "I've tried this with Splenda and it just doesn't turn out the same."

"I'm not diabetic. I was simply making an observation that it is an alarming amount of sugar, " Anu explains.

"We all have to die of something. I'd rather enjoy what I'm eating than live like a bunny rabbit, " Mary replies as she adds a stick of butter to her pie crust dough. "We're also doubling the recipe."

Sheldon, for his part, is all smiles as he eagerly awaits his opportunity to lick the beaters clean. Filling mixture ready and waiting, he grabs another clean spoon and dips it into the glass bowl, barely coating the spoon with the brown sugary concoction. Just as he raises it to his lips, Amy's phone begins to ring in his pocket.

"Hon? It's that call we've been expecting, " Sheldon calls out to Amy as he drops the spoon into the sink on his way to his old bedroom, Amy right on his heels.

Receiving confirmation that they are 5 weeks pregnant, based on the HCG levels, Sheldon immediately kisses Amy after ending the call. It's much more passionate than is really appropriate with Mary now sleeping in this room and only feet away, and so, Amy reluctantly ends the kiss. Laying her hand over her/Sheldon's stomach, she whispers, "I can't believe my husband is pregnant!"

"I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around it myself, " Sheldon agrees. "I almost ate raw eggs. We must start carefully monitoring each other's food intake to ensure, first and foremost, the safety of little Sheldon..."

"No, you are not referring to our baby as little Sheldon."

"Little Shamy?" Sheldon tries, making Amy smile.

"Better, but how about something more neutral like Peanut or Sweet Pea or..."

"The Parasite invading my body?" Sheldon jokes. "It's cute now but once morning sickness begins, I may hate our child for several weeks."

"I'll love it for both of us. Once you hold our baby, you'll forget all about morning sickness and labor, " Amy promises.

"Do you want to tell everyone?" Sheldon wonders as Amy gently caresses his/her stomach.

"No. I like this being our secret, " Amy whispers against his lips before stealing one more kiss. "We better get back out there before they suspect we're having coitus. No raw dough or batter."

"Shucks, " Sheldon mopes as they open the door and go back to the living room.

"Where's Mary?" Sheldon questions as he takes the bowls that the better and pie crust were in to the sink and begins washing them.

"On the phone with Meemaw, " Penny replies. "Everything alright?" She wonders, trying to pry information about this call they had to take.

"Fine, " both Sheldon and Amy answer as vaguely as possible as Sheldon goes to the fridge and gets two bottles of water, opening one for Amy before handing it to her.

"I should go say hi to Meemaw, " Amy decides as she makes her way to the lobby.

Mary is sitting on the step shaking with silent laughter as she bites her lip in an almost ill-fated attempt to keep from bursting with laughter. Oh, this must be good, Amy decides as she goes to stand next to the stairs, waiting for her turn to talk with Sheldon's beloved Meemaw.

Truth be told, Amy and Connie Tucker, better known as Meemaw, don't get along all that well, even after Sheldon and Amy married. Connie, in Amy's opinion, is much too protective of Sheldon and can't let bygones be bygones. Sheldon can do no wrong, in Vonnie's opinion, and Amy was cruel to break her Moonpie's heart. Amy hopes that giving her a great-grandchild may help thaw the cold war between them, ( _I'm sorry, Baby!)_ but is not holding her breath.

"Uh huh... Well, I'm glad Y'all figured out the problem, and I'll be prayin' that God blesses ya soon! Good night, " Mary wishes as she ends the call and can no longer contain her squeals of laughter as her cheeks turn red and tears run down her cheeks.

"Are you alright?" Amy wonders.

"Yes... yes, I'm fine, Shelly! Oh, this is hilarious! I just gotta tell Penny and Amy this!" Mary decides as she rushes back into the apartment and to the island where the girls are drinking wine, while Sheldon drinks milk.

"Okay, what is so funny, Mom?" Amy questions again during a break in conversation as Bernadette pours a glass of wine for Mary.

"So, you know that young couple I told you about this afternoon, the one with the fertility problems?" Mary questions as she takes a sip of her wine, "mmm, that's good."

"Yes, " Amy hesitantly responds, not sure how infertility could be funny.

"Well, they had their doctor appointment today. When the doctor asked how often they were having sex, they hemmed and hawed before admitting they're both virgins! They took the literal interpretation of 'lay with' in the Bible!" Mary exclaims as she begins laughing again.

"Abstinence-based sex education at its best. The nuns at my high school would be so proud, " Bernadette smirks as she tries not to laugh.

"I just hope these two know how baby making works!" Mary exclaims as she points between Sheldon and Amy.

"We gave Sheldon books, " Leonard reassures while patting Amy's back.

"And there was that joke Howard pulled, " Amy adds for good measure with an exaggerated shudder.

"What joke was that?" Bernie wonders.

"I convinced Sheldon that I got my hands on a bootleg copy of Avatar months before the release date. It was just two people in blue bodysuits having sex!" Howard explains as the guys laugh at the memory.

"Yes, yes, have a good laugh at my expense, " Amy sarcastically encourages.

"Oh, we're just teasing, Moonpie. Don't get your Spiderman panties in a twist, " Bernie consoles.

"I can assure everyone that we have made love multiple times..." Sheldon reassures as he's cut off by Penny.

"If by 'multiple' you mean less than ten..." Penny adds.

"For your information, it's been 32 times _and I'M PREGNANT!"_ Sheldon yells at the top of his lungs, stunning the room into silence. "Come along, Cuddles, " he demands as he slams the door and he and Amy go to 4B.

"I'm sorry. I know you wanted to keep it a secret," Sheldon immediately apologizes.

"It's alright. I was about to tell them, " Amy replies. "Calm down. Stress isn't good for little Nova."

"Nova?" Sheldon questions with a smile.

"Short for either Homo Novus or Super Nova, " Amy explains.

"Huh. Baby Nova, " he tries out. "Suitable for a nickname but I'd never name our child something so..."

"Granola crunching hippy?" Amy offers as Sheldon chuckles and agrees. "I've got that figured out. Baby Sheldon Junior."

"And if it's a girl?" Sheldon wonders.

"Shel...donna?" Amy teases.

"You're crazy."

"Certifiable. Your mother did have me tested, " Amy jokes.


	8. Chapter 8

Back in the swampy woodlands of Dagobah, Arthur Jeffries has been summoned to visit Master Yoda at the green lizard's cave. After donning his robes and forging a torch out of bits of bark and dry foliage, Arthur makes his way out of his small cave onto the dark winding trail. At least it's a clear night and he can rely on the moon to light his path, Arthur thankfully notices. Reaching the fork of the trial, Arthur turns left and sighs when Yoda appears up ahead.

"Good time you have made, " Yoda praises.

"I... I had a light source this time, " Arthur explains, proud of his ingenuity.

"Much easier to see, it is, it is. Come, this way, " Yoda demands as he leads the way through a small leaf covered trail between a grove of trees.

Arthur learned last time he was here that the trees will talk, and if not careful, use their long vines to whip him. For some reason, they respect Yoda, evidenced by calls of, "Master Yoda" echoing through the grove as a light wind rustles the leaves. Reaching the entrance to the cave, Arthur is commanded to hand over his torch by a short brown dog looking type creature. Following Yoda, they come to a strange glowing green orb in the center of the room. Glaring intently into it, Yoda is silent as he watches for a few moments before reaching into the orb and stretching his hands out to either side to expand it so Arthur can also watch.

"Know Amy Fowler was pregnant I did not, " Yoda explains. "Interesting development it is it is."

"I can't... I can't imagine Sheldon as a father. That poor child will be living in a plastic bubble and never live up to its father's expectations, " Arthur worries.

"Hmm, " Yoda hums. "Unconditional love it shall have. Of this, I am certain."

"Good, good, " Arthur replies.

"The opportunity to make pregnancy very difficult for Sheldon, we have. Empathize with, love and respect Amy and this child, he must, " Yoda explains as they watch Sheldon and Amy sleeping in their bed. Amy's hand is resting protectively over Sheldon's stomach and for a brief moment, Yoda has something of a smile on his face at seeing this before turning to Arthur for his opinion.

"I agree, " Arthur replies. "I don't believe Sheldon understands how much he takes Amy for granted. He needs to suffer just enough to be miserable, but not so much that his health or that of the baby are in jeopardy, " he suggests.

"Hmm. Consider I will, " Yoda decides.

Back in Pasadena, Sheldon awakens to Amy cuddling him as she peacefully slumbers behind him. Since finding out they are having a baby 5 days ago, barely a moment goes by where she isn't touching him or his stomach. She is positively thrilled, Sheldon realizes with a smile as he rests his hand over hers. Remembering what woke him when his stomach lurches again, he takes slow deep breaths through his mouth in an attempt to stave off the wave of nausea.

"Uh oh, " Sheldon exclaims as he makes a bolt for the bathroom worthy of a professional athlete, barely making it in time.

"Huh, what?" Amy questions as the jostling of the bed wakes her.

Wishing Sheldon would've thoughtfully shut the door, Amy fights her gag reflexes as she slowly crawls out of bed and gets a glass of water from the kitchen sink as well as a couple of saltine crackers from the cupboard. Sheldon is still hurling as Amy goes back into the bedroom. Really not wanting to go into the bathroom, but knowing that if it was her experiencing morning sickness, as it should be, she would definitely want Sheldon to offer his love and emotional support, she goes into the bathroom and kneels behind Sheldon, holding his long hair back.

"Thank you, " he softly murmurs before becoming ill again.

With barely enough time to catch his breath between bouts before he's tossing his cookies once again, Sheldon becomes utterly exhausted very quickly. When it appears to have stopped for the moment, Amy offers him the glass of water so he can rinse his mouth before retrieving a clean washcloth and wetting it with lukewarm water. Sitting on the floor next to Sheldon, she worries when he immediately lays his head in her lap and closes his eyes.

"That feels nice, " he happily sighs as Amy gently washes his sweaty face with the damp cloth.

"Good, " Amy whispers, smiling at him. "Do you want to try a saltine?" She wonders as she turns around and tosses the washcloth toward the sink.

"Nope, " Sheldon decides as he sits upright suddenly and pays homage to the porcelain God once again.

Amy stays right by Sheldon's side for the next hour until his/her body declares that it is 7:20 am. With Sheldon still violently ill, Amy knows there's only one thing she can do. After quickly dressing in the bedroom, Amy lets Sheldon know she's going across the hall, knocking once on the door. _Oh. Right,_ she thinks as she replicates Sheldon's signature knock. Mary barely unlocks the door before Amy barges in and beelines for the bathroom, where Penny is doing her hair and makeup.

"Out, out out!" Amy demands.

"Hey! Use your own bathroom!" Penny protests as Amy slams the door in her face.

"Amy has been continuously vomiting for the last hour and a half, " Amy explains through the door.

"Poor Ames, " Penny empathizes as she goes to the kitchen and pours a cup of coffee.

When Amy exits the bathroom a few minutes later, she immediately heads towards the door without a single word to anyone. Hearing Mary clear her throat, Amy stops with her hand on the handle and turns around, knowing she's about to be reprimanded.

"Thank you for allowing me the use of your bathroom, Penny, " Amy offers, beating Mary to the punch.

"You're welcome, sweetie. Take care of our girl and Baby Shamy. Do you need soup or jello or I think I have some ginger ale in there somewhere, " Penny offers while going to the cupboards to rummage for food to send to Amy.

"Mom, could you stay with Amy while I make a trip to the grocery store please?" Amy requests.

"I'll go. You stay with Amy, " Mary decides. "Just text me a list of what you want."

"Are you sure?" Penny questions. "I have to go to work but can send a few things over now and stop at the store on my way home."

"No, that's alright. I called in my prescription refills at the Walmart just down the street and Amy's car has GPS if I get turned around. I need outta the house for a few hours, " Mary explains in her no-nonsense tone of voice as she follows Amy back to 4B to get the car keys and money.

Sheldon is still throwing up as Amy returns, worrying his wife tremendously. After retrieving Sheldon's wallet, she pulls out $100 and calls out, "Hon? Mom is going to make a trip to Walmart for us. Is there anything special you'd like?"

"No, " Sheldon replies.

"Poor dear, " Mary sympathizes. "Make her some peppermint tea. It might be just the thing to settle her stomach, " Mary suggests.

"I'll do that. Thanks Mom. I'll leave the door unlocked."

As Amy settles back onto her spot on the bathroom floor next to Sheldon, he raises his head just enough to inform Amy that, "my mom isn't an authorized driver for the rental car."

"Oh, crap, I forgot about that, " Amy replies. "She's a cautious driver. I'm sure she'll be fine."

With the morning sickness appearing to have abated for the moment, Sheldon slowly sits up next to his wife, who gives him a tiny smile in return.

"Feeling better?" She wonders as Sheldon reaches to hold her hand.

"For the moment, yes. I'm glad you're here, " he replies while squeezing her hand.

"We're in this together, " Amy promises.

Bringing Amy's hand down, Sheldon lays both their hands on his/Amy's stomach as he decides it's never too early to start disciplining their child.

"Hi, Little Nova, it's Da... uh, Mommy. You need to stop being mean to me, Little One. We know you're in there so there is no need for you to make me vomit. Let Mommy and Daddy eat and sleep now, alright? We love you, Baby Cooper, " Sheldon coos to the baby.

Looking over at Amy, he's shocked to see her wipe away a tear from her eyes as she widely grins at him.

"You big softy, " she teases her husband.

"Hormones, " Sheldon explains as Amy playfully rolls her eyes. "I'm going to take a shower. Could you please make some peppermint tea?" He requests.

"Of course. Maybe we can spend the rest of the day getting each other up to speed on our respective research projects at work?" Amy requests.

"Not necessary. As your primary focus is our super asymmetry project, I can spend the majority of my time in my office, " Sheldon points out.

"That's true, but I threw such a hissy fit that Dr. Park is terrified of my wrath and consults with me daily on the sensory deprivation study, " Amy explains. "Additionally, I simply can't do the complex math for our project. I need you to use that big bulbous brain of yours to impart your knowledge and wisdom on us poor simple fools, " Amy pleads before batting her eyes at him, making Sheldon laugh.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Sheldon questions.

"No... is it working?" Amy wonders.

"Maybe if I hadn't just spent the last 3 hours hurling, " Sheldon admits. "Go wait for my Mom?" He requests.

"Alright but don't use all the hot water. I want a shower too."

As Mary enters the apartment sometime later, she stops and watches in awe as her son talks to his unborn child. Spotting her, Amy kisses Sheldon's / her stomach before pulling down Sheldon's t-shirt, bringing tears to his mother's eyes. Amy is peacefully slumbering, Mary notices as she sets the grocery bags on the island.

"I'm glad to see she's sleeping. Did she eat anything?" Mary wonders as she pulls out the box of popsicles and puts them in the freezer.

"She had tea and a slice of toast, " Amy replies while pulling items out of the grocery sacks and putting them away. "Amy wants me to wake her so she can eat, but I just don't have the heart to."

"Let her rest, " Mary agrees. "Shelly, I am very proud of you for how tender and supportive and loving you've been with Amy today. I never expected in a million years for you to sit in the bathroom while someone throws up, even if it is your wife, " Mary praises. "Plus seeing you talk to the baby and kiss Amy's stomach is just adorable, " she adds.

"Amy means everything to me... and this baby... it's the size of a lentil and already has Mommy and Daddy wrapped around its not-yet-developed fingers. I'm going to be a blubbering mess when we hear the heartbeat, " Amy confesses as Mary holds her hand to her mouth in an attempt to hold back tears.

"Shelly, I have a huge favor to ask. Can I be there for the first ultrasound?" Mary requests.

"I'll have to ask Amy, but I'm okay with it if she is, " Amy replies.

"Thank you. Now, Missy swore by these specially formulated suckers when she was pregnant with Lily. I have no idea how they taste but Amy should try them. When I was pregnant with Georgie, I found that cold drinks settled my stomach more than things like hot tea, " Mary explains as she hands Amy the Preggy Pop suckers to look at.

"Did you have morning sickness with Missy and me?" Amy wonders.

"Not really, " Mary recalls. "I just had terrible heartburn the entire pregnancy. The only thing that helped was stirring a teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of cold water. It's gross tasting but it does the trick."

"I'll remember that, " Amy promises.

"So, your last weekend before returning to work. Any plans?" Mary wonders as they return to putting the groceries away.

"No. Amy wanted to go car shopping but I don't think she'll feel up to it now, " Amy explains, finding it very odd to refer to herself in the third person.

"The most important thing is that she stays hydrated. Have her take small sips and graze throughout the day rather than eat large meals, " Mary suggests. "You look tired too, Lamb Chop. It's just as important for you to rest too."

Waking up around 1 pm, Sheldon is feeling much better as he rolls to cuddle with Amy who is creepily laying in bed watching him sleep while pretending to play on the iPad. As she sets it aside, Sheldon settles into the crook of her uninjured arm.

"Good nap?" Amy questions while stroking Sheldon's hair away from his face.

"Yes, " Sheldon confirms before asking, "did you sleep?"

"No. Dr. Park emailed some data for me to review. I really need to go into work to look at this but..."

"Alright. Can we stop at the comic book store on the way home?" Sheldon wonders.

"I think you've earned it but uh... how are we going to do this? I have no interest in comic books" Amy points out.

"I'll make a list of the comics I want so if anyone asks, I'm 'helping" Sheldon decides.

Sheldon has to admit that Amy's sensory deprivation study is fascinating, he decides as they lock up her office later that evening. He knew his wife is brilliant, of course, but she just dazzled him once again by touting that brilliance for all to see. It's a short drive to Stuart's shop and while inside he is as giddy as a kid let loose in a candy shop, outwardly, he doesn't even smile while holding the door for Amy.

"Do you have my list?" Amy asks as they enter.

"Yes, " Sheldon reassures.

As they walk around, Amy disturbingly notices that Captain Sweatpants, Creepy Larry and a new guy she doesn't recognize keep checking out Sheldon and making comments about his/her assets. Sheldon is in his own little world and seems to not notice. Bothered by this behavior, Amy turns around after Captain Sweatpants comments about her boobs.

"Yes, she is a very beautiful woman. She also happens to be my wife and carrying my child so I suggest that if you don't want to sing soprano, you keep your eyes and comments to yourself, " Amy warns.

"Wow, you're pregnant? Congratulations, you guys!" Stuart exclaims from behind the register.

"Thanks, " both Sheldon and Amy reply.

As they get ready to check out, Sheldon seems completely unfazed as he pulls his debit card out of her purse and Stuart announces a grand total of $102.50. Amy's eyes, however, nearly bug out of her head. They set up their finances so that they each have their own accounts with discretionary funding, but this seems excessive, especially now that they have a baby on the way and will need to factor in other costs such as daycare and diapers. As soon as they're out the door, Amy turns on Sheldon.

"100 dollars on picture books?" She fumes.

"It's out of my discretionary fund, " he points out.

"We need to renegotiate our marriage agreement regarding finances and discretionary spending, " Amy decides.

"It's a non-starter. Our bills are always paid on time. This is my money that I can spend however I wish."

"Is that so? Well, I hope you like skeletons because I'm getting a cadaver from UCLA. It's going right next to that stupid life-size Batman doll!'

" What is your problem?" Sheldon huffs as they stand right outside the front door of the comic shop arguing.

"Babies are expensive! Clothes and diapers and daycare are expensive!" Amy exclaims, flailing her hands wildly.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this. I need a break, " Sheldon decides.

"Do not walk away from me!" Amy warns.

"I'm not going to fight with you on a public sidewalk!" Sheldon replies.

Inside the store, Stuart is closing out his till when he notices that Sheldon left his driver's license laying on the counter. That's odd, since not once has Stuart ever asked for ID for a debit card transaction. Luckily, they're still outside, although it appears they're having a marital spat. Opening the door, he's just in time to hear Amy say, "life was so much easier when I had a penis!"


End file.
